When the Medium is a Giant

No television until after the first hour of waking. This is my house rule, and I lead by example. My family--- much as we are all good looking (yea, right), has a terrible eye medical history that has left me with no choice but to consciously curb the viewing time of my kids. I suppose that when I insist on my family being so beautiful, that would be the imperfect vision talking.

My daughter, being the splendidly intelligent creature in the clan, sticks to the rule--- then rushes to my grandmother’s house as soon as the waking hour expires so that she can bask in the nonsense of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. Her house rule, therefore, is if Momma says no, ask Mamita.

She is lucky we live in a democracy and that I stand by the law of the land. If I were given the power, I would question many things about Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network--- things beyond destroying eyesight and bordering on corroding values. Do not wonder--- a dictator slew Voltes V when I was about five.

It is silly enough to have a squirrel swimming with an animated sponge in deep sea, and almost disturbing to have the starfish parade in his underwear. SpongeBob and all his unpretty friends do not contribute to better artwork from my child. I used to think nothing could get uglier than The Simpsons until Beavis & Butthead came along. Now, even marine life look like hustlers having names like Mr. Krabs, who happens to sell Krabby Patties. What is up with that?

It is also alarming to hear Chalkzone teach my daughter that Cleopatra wore braces. Worse, terminologies like “Idiot,” and “Shut up,” and “Loser,” are rampant in shows that are called My Gym Partner’s A Monkey. I have heard my daughter use these words with other kids. Not very cute.

Demassification is a system of organizing the right shows for the right targets. I should know, I used to be a media practitioner. So, to see shows for preschoolers get mixed up quite loosely with programming for young teens and degenerate adults (ok, I take the last 3 words back, Honey) is an issue for parents and educators. Suddenly, my 5 year old is talking crushes (the way the Unfabulous characters do) or is making fun of hillbillies (the way Amanda Bynes in All That does) when in fact we live in a rural area.

Given all the revenue these networks have, it would be a cinch for them to create entirely new channels devoted to very young children so that these delicate audiences are not prematurely tossed into the blurred realities of unrequited love, pointless wars, and futile attempts at making history funny. (Makes me wonder how Chalkzone would depict Hitler’s holocaust!)

Sure, I like High-5 (even if I get annoyed by the accent) and I am crazy about The Backyardigans! These shows I can leave my daughter watching, singing and dancing to, even re-living afterwards.

I forgive Justice League, Batman, Superfriends, and Teen Titans because these are remnants of the cartoon I used to hate, er, watch as a child. Winx and Totally Spies--- these make my daughter pixie-like yet cunning and strong, something like a mini Beyonce Knowles. Lazytown--- with exception to the spandex--- is also a wonderful show to see every now and then. If you watch it a lot, the hot pink will melt your retina.

But most other shows like Cow and Chicken (not a muslim cooking show)… the smartly titled Ed, Edd, and Eddy… Cat-Dog (which is most insane)… Johnny Bravo (which shows that 100-degree good looks make up for a below-zero IQ)… and all those other children’s shows that lack sophistication and respect for kids’ appreciation--- think twice about them before allowing your child to watch. The networks will not take responsibility for any action or reaction your child will have towards the shows.

I do not wish to dismantle Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, I am too small (and too busy living) to do that. However, in behalf of those parents who get unfairly blamed for the ill behavior of their kids, and for those parents who are truly vigilant but also too preoccupied to organize a battle against a medium that is actually a giant--- I would like to ask these networks to consider segregating programs not through timeslots but through entire channels.

I would also like to request them to make more historically correct animation, culturally embracing programs (like Dora the Explorer), literacy-oriented shows (like Sesame Street), and to tone down the use of hot pink.

(Honey, I didn’t say anything bad about Tom and Jerry, okay? I hope that makes everything fine now.)