H A P P Y M O T H E R ' S D A Y

Today, I will smile at my stretch marks--- which could have very well been a CS scar.

There will pobably be lesser chores to face (or more if we suddenly decide to have a picnic!)

My cellphone will flood with messages I must reply to. What's witty and sincere to text back?

And then I'll have to rethink how deserving I really am for those greetings... scary!

This is supposed to be a day for extra attention (at least until they greet me, sure.)

Who knows just what to do with that volatile surge of TLC?

I should get ready for my melt-down. The trademark Mama Boohoohoo. My hubby and kids will slobber all over my face, then snap my curved spine back into place with their wrestler hugs, then say something like, "You're the best Momma in the whole wide world, even if you don't allow me to sleep over in my cousin's house."

Hey, that's a great text-back idea... THANKS, FRIEND--- REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE ALSO A GREAT MOM EVEN IF YOUR LECHE FLAN LOOKS LIKE THE RUINS OF IRAQ.

Mothers have to be kind, honest and firm to be happy. A mother who can't handle the truth can't possibly be happy; so with one who is abusive and/or abused. If my kids don't like my rules, that shouldn't fail me as their Mom. Instead, that should make me feel empowered--- imagine, they can't do anything about the rules but obey. While they say that they are happy that I am their Mother, they have to be happy about my rough edges, too. The rough edges will stick around for a very long time, perhaps their whole lives even, and they have to be sincerely thankful even if they never show it. And that--- like the stubborn stretch marks running across my belly--- is so cool.

When the Medium is a Giant

No television until after the first hour of waking. This is my house rule, and I lead by example. My family--- much as we are all good looking (yea, right), has a terrible eye medical history that has left me with no choice but to consciously curb the viewing time of my kids. I suppose that when I insist on my family being so beautiful, that would be the imperfect vision talking.

My daughter, being the splendidly intelligent creature in the clan, sticks to the rule--- then rushes to my grandmother’s house as soon as the waking hour expires so that she can bask in the nonsense of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. Her house rule, therefore, is if Momma says no, ask Mamita.

She is lucky we live in a democracy and that I stand by the law of the land. If I were given the power, I would question many things about Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network--- things beyond destroying eyesight and bordering on corroding values. Do not wonder--- a dictator slew Voltes V when I was about five.

It is silly enough to have a squirrel swimming with an animated sponge in deep sea, and almost disturbing to have the starfish parade in his underwear. SpongeBob and all his unpretty friends do not contribute to better artwork from my child. I used to think nothing could get uglier than The Simpsons until Beavis & Butthead came along. Now, even marine life look like hustlers having names like Mr. Krabs, who happens to sell Krabby Patties. What is up with that?

It is also alarming to hear Chalkzone teach my daughter that Cleopatra wore braces. Worse, terminologies like “Idiot,” and “Shut up,” and “Loser,” are rampant in shows that are called My Gym Partner’s A Monkey. I have heard my daughter use these words with other kids. Not very cute.

Demassification is a system of organizing the right shows for the right targets. I should know, I used to be a media practitioner. So, to see shows for preschoolers get mixed up quite loosely with programming for young teens and degenerate adults (ok, I take the last 3 words back, Honey) is an issue for parents and educators. Suddenly, my 5 year old is talking crushes (the way the Unfabulous characters do) or is making fun of hillbillies (the way Amanda Bynes in All That does) when in fact we live in a rural area.

Given all the revenue these networks have, it would be a cinch for them to create entirely new channels devoted to very young children so that these delicate audiences are not prematurely tossed into the blurred realities of unrequited love, pointless wars, and futile attempts at making history funny. (Makes me wonder how Chalkzone would depict Hitler’s holocaust!)

Sure, I like High-5 (even if I get annoyed by the accent) and I am crazy about The Backyardigans! These shows I can leave my daughter watching, singing and dancing to, even re-living afterwards.

I forgive Justice League, Batman, Superfriends, and Teen Titans because these are remnants of the cartoon I used to hate, er, watch as a child. Winx and Totally Spies--- these make my daughter pixie-like yet cunning and strong, something like a mini Beyonce Knowles. Lazytown--- with exception to the spandex--- is also a wonderful show to see every now and then. If you watch it a lot, the hot pink will melt your retina.

But most other shows like Cow and Chicken (not a muslim cooking show)… the smartly titled Ed, Edd, and Eddy… Cat-Dog (which is most insane)… Johnny Bravo (which shows that 100-degree good looks make up for a below-zero IQ)… and all those other children’s shows that lack sophistication and respect for kids’ appreciation--- think twice about them before allowing your child to watch. The networks will not take responsibility for any action or reaction your child will have towards the shows.

I do not wish to dismantle Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, I am too small (and too busy living) to do that. However, in behalf of those parents who get unfairly blamed for the ill behavior of their kids, and for those parents who are truly vigilant but also too preoccupied to organize a battle against a medium that is actually a giant--- I would like to ask these networks to consider segregating programs not through timeslots but through entire channels.

I would also like to request them to make more historically correct animation, culturally embracing programs (like Dora the Explorer), literacy-oriented shows (like Sesame Street), and to tone down the use of hot pink.

(Honey, I didn’t say anything bad about Tom and Jerry, okay? I hope that makes everything fine now.)

CRIB SAFETY

Moms (and other people who also love to take care of babies), please ead and follow the instructions of the cribs you buy or borrow.

There is usually a WEIGHT LIMIT for the bassinet that comes with the play pen. Don't risk a collapse of this crib--- remember, even if it breaks down, it is still steel or any similarly rigid material. You don't want your baby trapped under all that framing.

Use beddings made for the crib or are fitted perfectly to its dimensions. Loose sheets and too many pillows may be hazardous.

When you put in toys, it's not just enough for you select the soft kinds and not the ones your infant might hurt his head or tender limbs against. It's also a must that you oversee his or her playtime to ensure that the child does not choke or stumble over any of them.

And this last one may be against your interior designer's advise, but if you have no choice but to position your playpen near walls or furniture, make sure there are absolutely no electrical outlets within reach. Use baby-proofing safety plugs if there are. The furniture by the playpen should also be very sturdy and clear of things that might fall into the crib. Also, if the playpen has net sides as shown in the picture, it is best to put a safety cushion between the crib and the wall or furniture to keep the baby from hitting his or her head in case he or she falls from the crib-standing routine. Now, you thought side protection was just for sanitary pads?

Don't fret about having a bad-looking nursery (or even master bedroom) with all these baby-proofing precautions. Once you look inside the crib, that's where the beauty all lies. Or crawls, or sits, or stands, you know what I mean.

Strange Sandwiches

If you have 2 slices of bread and no idea what to slap on them before a serious chomp-down, here are some suggestions which I have tried with a few family members and close friends:

1. Peanut butter and banana

2. Butter and brown sugar

3. Mayo-mustard (sometimes with wasabi!)

4. Mayo and cucumber

5. Apple and cheese (I like edam)

6. Mayo and liver spread

7. Ice cream (from a pint or tub)

8. Ranch dressing and potato chips

9. Mashed sardines

10. Pancit canton (even the instant kind might work)

11. Pork and beans

12. Chicken and avocado

If any of these 12 strange sandwiches makes your mouth water, there’s a big chance you are pregnant. Congratulations!!!

Does Your PreSchooler Dislike Reading?

Most children do not read until first grade. Thanks to television, our kids have become dependent on moving images to explain everything they need to know.

If you are lucky enough to send your child to a tutor or school capable of making preschoolers actually read a string of 3 or more letters, then you probably have nothing to worry about. However, if your child is already in early elementary and still encounters difficulty in properly reading 5-or-more lettered words, consider this:

1. Limit television and play time. There should be enough time for these two things as well as training for academic skills.

2. Use labels around your house (i.e., ‘cupboard’ or ‘drapery drawer’ or ‘toxic agents’) so that your child could retain these words and develop a better liking for reading. This, of course, means that you have to involve your child in your house chores so that he or she may be forced to read the labels you have dutifully placed all over your house.

3. Take your child shopping for books. Perhaps he or she dislikes reading because the books you buy do not interest him or her? Ask your child about his or her interests, and don’t impose any reading that he or she admits is “too thick” for him or her.

4. Allow your child one hour of solo internet surfing a day. It does not even matter if your child only ends up playing on-line games. He or she will have to read everything alone just to get to the playing stage.

5. If it is your sort of thing, karaoke could guarantee you some family bonding time and lots of reading, although not exactly singing perfection, but that can be addressed later.

6. Play reading games where you child gets a prize each time he or she reads a challenging word correctly. The prize doesn’t have to be material, it can be a simple but relaxing 1-minute back rub. Now, if he or she can read 60 difficult words a day, I don’t think you’d mind doing an hour-long massage.

A normal child would find reading fun because “all the grown ups do it.” It is important that you share your time in developing your child’s reading. If you still detect much difficulty after giving these tips a run for a few weeks or even months, I suggest immediately consulting a doctor if in the worst case your child has reading disorders.