There is a simple rule to having in-laws, and that rule is “everything is complicated.”
Even in the most hospitable nations, there is a bruised side of growing up in a totally new community of people who were not related to you some time ago but are now--- and will forever be, as you wisely wished--- as cherished as your own blood relatives.
If you were raised in a family that says nobody is more important than your own, then you will have some trouble putting a new family in that very same number 2 spot--- number 1 being the family you and your spouse formed.
Seemingly a rite of passage, all married or cohabiting couples go through some sort of relationship exercise. It’s not an easy test. It’s either you win and your spouse feels bad about it (those are his/her parents that you somehow dissed anyway), or you lose and you spouse could be simply okay with that.
Who believes in perfect in-laws? I don’t think I will get a perfect son-in-law or daughter-in-law when my kids’ times come. I don’t think I’m a perfect daughter-in-law, and I don’t think I have perfect in-laws.
I once heard my mother-in-law say that she had the perfect mother-in-law, and that she wanted to be just like her. Well, I’m not anything close to my mother-in-law, and although it’s good for her that she seemed to like her own mother-in-law, I don’t want to impose anything on anyone. Not on her, not on me, not on my husband …most importantly, not on my kids.
Somebody close to me is going through some bumpy times with her in-law invasion. The couple is back from abroad to spend several weeks with their son, his wife (my friend), their toddler son… yup, that’s it. From what has reached me, the entire affair excludes my friend’s school-age daughter from a previous relationship.
It has come to a point wherein the daughter is back with her real grandparents while her stepbrother’s are still in the country.
Some would argue--- if the husband really wanted to take this wife who already had a child before his own, then he should also enkindle the child for good. Some would also say--- the wife should have picked a husband who would enkindle her firstborn.
It is useless to have pingpong views now; they’re already married.
Some would also (although tactlessly) declare, “Love me, love my dog!” Ergo, love the kid or kids, love all the in-laws, just love, love, love. However you make that possible is a totally new blog entry all together… which I cannot write because I am not a believer of it.
This is a situation where you don’t want to blame anyone. I give my friend a countdown every now and then, as if this were a challenge on a reality show she joined which has the grand prize of 12 peaceful, in-law-free months. I avoid judging the in-laws, no matter what stories I hear, because I know very little about them, and that little exposure I have to them showed they are actually educated folk with good manners! I give her husband the benefit of the doubt that he is supportive of his spouse more than anyone, and that he at least feels for the child that should already be his own regardless of genetics.
If my friend ever reads this anytime soon, here are some more things I am asking her to consider aside from the countdown:
1) Don’t expect anybody else to adore your kids except yourself. Husbands, in-laws, even our own relatives and closest pals--- they are not your kids’ mothers. You are. Do not make them expect to be loved at all times then.
2) If people show their love to your kids, show gratitude whatever way is comfy for you. If they show their hate, however, don’t even get comfy at all. But remember, hate is a very strong word. Before you unleash any wrath, make sure there is really that very strong incident in history, and also double check if it was all your imagination.
3) You may not always be by your child’s side when he or she needs you, so it is very advisable that you make the most effort to be together even if he/she doesn’t need you so much on the time you are available. You’re not alone in this--- so many working mothers, job-driven or simply cursed to be away. Some even across seas and beyond broadband.
4) When you are with your child, know what issues and how best to explain them. Do not badmouth anyone because that would not destroy your enemy… it would only destroy your child. Focus on the positive aspects in the issues; as a mother, it is your job to excavate the positive aspects. (Say what? All negative? Please read the last sentence until you get the positive.)
5) Cliché goes time heals all wounds… so if you are in a crossfire, give it some time until the peace talks kick in. This does not happen overnight. You should have a support group to remind you that it could take even decades of waiting, and this support group must wait with you until it finally happens.
And before I sleep this dawn, I pray that it happens soon enough for my friend and her daughter. I pray that the complicated deconstructs and show that the simplicity of patience, courageous choices, and motherly tenacity pays off all the time.
Even in the most hospitable nations, there is a bruised side of growing up in a totally new community of people who were not related to you some time ago but are now--- and will forever be, as you wisely wished--- as cherished as your own blood relatives.
If you were raised in a family that says nobody is more important than your own, then you will have some trouble putting a new family in that very same number 2 spot--- number 1 being the family you and your spouse formed.
Seemingly a rite of passage, all married or cohabiting couples go through some sort of relationship exercise. It’s not an easy test. It’s either you win and your spouse feels bad about it (those are his/her parents that you somehow dissed anyway), or you lose and you spouse could be simply okay with that.
Who believes in perfect in-laws? I don’t think I will get a perfect son-in-law or daughter-in-law when my kids’ times come. I don’t think I’m a perfect daughter-in-law, and I don’t think I have perfect in-laws.
I once heard my mother-in-law say that she had the perfect mother-in-law, and that she wanted to be just like her. Well, I’m not anything close to my mother-in-law, and although it’s good for her that she seemed to like her own mother-in-law, I don’t want to impose anything on anyone. Not on her, not on me, not on my husband …most importantly, not on my kids.
Somebody close to me is going through some bumpy times with her in-law invasion. The couple is back from abroad to spend several weeks with their son, his wife (my friend), their toddler son… yup, that’s it. From what has reached me, the entire affair excludes my friend’s school-age daughter from a previous relationship.
It has come to a point wherein the daughter is back with her real grandparents while her stepbrother’s are still in the country.
Some would argue--- if the husband really wanted to take this wife who already had a child before his own, then he should also enkindle the child for good. Some would also say--- the wife should have picked a husband who would enkindle her firstborn.
It is useless to have pingpong views now; they’re already married.
Some would also (although tactlessly) declare, “Love me, love my dog!” Ergo, love the kid or kids, love all the in-laws, just love, love, love. However you make that possible is a totally new blog entry all together… which I cannot write because I am not a believer of it.
This is a situation where you don’t want to blame anyone. I give my friend a countdown every now and then, as if this were a challenge on a reality show she joined which has the grand prize of 12 peaceful, in-law-free months. I avoid judging the in-laws, no matter what stories I hear, because I know very little about them, and that little exposure I have to them showed they are actually educated folk with good manners! I give her husband the benefit of the doubt that he is supportive of his spouse more than anyone, and that he at least feels for the child that should already be his own regardless of genetics.
If my friend ever reads this anytime soon, here are some more things I am asking her to consider aside from the countdown:
1) Don’t expect anybody else to adore your kids except yourself. Husbands, in-laws, even our own relatives and closest pals--- they are not your kids’ mothers. You are. Do not make them expect to be loved at all times then.
2) If people show their love to your kids, show gratitude whatever way is comfy for you. If they show their hate, however, don’t even get comfy at all. But remember, hate is a very strong word. Before you unleash any wrath, make sure there is really that very strong incident in history, and also double check if it was all your imagination.
3) You may not always be by your child’s side when he or she needs you, so it is very advisable that you make the most effort to be together even if he/she doesn’t need you so much on the time you are available. You’re not alone in this--- so many working mothers, job-driven or simply cursed to be away. Some even across seas and beyond broadband.
4) When you are with your child, know what issues and how best to explain them. Do not badmouth anyone because that would not destroy your enemy… it would only destroy your child. Focus on the positive aspects in the issues; as a mother, it is your job to excavate the positive aspects. (Say what? All negative? Please read the last sentence until you get the positive.)
5) Cliché goes time heals all wounds… so if you are in a crossfire, give it some time until the peace talks kick in. This does not happen overnight. You should have a support group to remind you that it could take even decades of waiting, and this support group must wait with you until it finally happens.
And before I sleep this dawn, I pray that it happens soon enough for my friend and her daughter. I pray that the complicated deconstructs and show that the simplicity of patience, courageous choices, and motherly tenacity pays off all the time.
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